Destructive Self Defense

Could of been something great. John

Everything he did was so right, yet everything he said was wrong. He was the guy that opened the door. He would pump the gas for me. Carry anything for me, luggage, groceries, or food. Put his arm over my shoulder as we walked. If I was feeling shy, I would look at him and he would answer for me. I didn’t know him long. The moment I met him, I pictured us falling in love and him eventually hating me. It was that thought alone that had me extra shy towards him. It’s those random thoughts that pass through, I find myself making them happen or becoming true. 

One day before work he tells me “you know I don’t really like you” I say, “you just want me for sex,” part of me thought he was being sarcastic, the other part of me thought it was true. I didn’t know him well enough to see that it was sarcasm. We’re not children. 
My defense. Greg

A office trip was the following Monday. There was another guy I had a relationship before. Haven’t talked to him for a while. We had our own loose ends. All it took was a call to see if he was going to next weeks trip, and he was there. 

Everybody is packed, 12 people, two cars. John grabs my bag. Puts it in his car. I really was planning to go in the van with everyone else. Greg tried to come in johns car but john tells him there’s no room. Oh my god. I’ve got my self into a mess. We’re in the car driving seven hours away. Greg starts to message me. Asking me if I’m going to let him have me. By this time, I feel like it’s a trap. Do they both know about each other. 

Normally our boss would board all girls and then all dudes. John, 2 other guys, and myself share a room. His embrace is perfect. I feel the most calm. I feel like the world is perfect. 

A message from Greg. I’m left with a descision. Go forward with original plan. Ignore the text. Everybody is drinking. John ends up passing out. I come to the drunken decision to go forward with the plan. We drink, drink more, until finally Greg takes my drink and says that’s enough for you. I was hammered. I had a sexual relationship with Greg so I was perfectly comfortable drinking with him and what was next. 

In the room, he invites some of co-workers so I was a little uncomfortable. I told him it was ok, as long as they don’t stay long. They didn’t stay long, that I know. Greg and me start making love. The lights are off. I remember seeing a shadow. I ask Greg what that was. He pulled my face to kiss him. I see the shadow again. He keeps moving my head. I push him of me and flip the light on. To my surprise two of our co workers are sitting down very casual. Watching all of that. Perfectly normal. I yell at them. Explain to them. They have to leave. After that I don’t remember what happened with me and Greg. We argued and Greg left the room. 

I’m hysterically crying. I can’t find my clothes anywhere. I could only find my sweater. My luggage is in the room with John. My sweater was long enough to cover my bottom too. I run with just the sweater barefoot up the stairs down that hall at 2 in the morning to my room. John is passed out. I don’t have the key. I pound on the door. Call, because I did have my cell phone, of course nobody leaves that behind. I then run to my bosses room. She opens the door. I’m Crying out of control. She asks “who did this? The guys? John?”, I shake my head no. I could not stop crying. “What’s wrongs, what’s wrong?” There is no way I could answer. I don’t even know. I didn’t know where Gregs room was. I would have gone there. My boss allows me to calm down. Gives me some pants, and walks me to johns room. 

John opens the door half asleep. He asks me  “who did this to you” I walk in with not a word. Grab some clothes and jump in the shower. I needed to clear out what happened. I felt dirty. Did those other guys touch me. There are pieces I didn’t remember. Who took my clothes. I jump in the bed. He grabs me and hugs me tight. I cry. What the fuck did I do. I made a really big mistake. I wanted to end things, because he told me didn’t like me. At that moment he’s hugging me I knew I didn’t want to loose him but I also knew I had to tell him the truth. He asked me a million questions to see what happened. I couldn’t answer. I could just tell him that I would tell him. 

The next morning, every body went to breakfast. I ask to sit in the car. I was extremely hung over. Stress now making me sick. John stays in the car with me. I tell him what happened. He says we could be friends but he will never sleep with me again. Ok. Tears. But ok. I stay the entire day with my boss’ husband. Sleeping,  Not eating, and throwing up. John messages me, finally. Asking if I left to go home. I didn’t. My boss spent the day attempting to make me work and convincing me to stay. He says “I’m glad you stayed” and ” because I want to see you” leaving a confused girl with more questions. 
With the first sight of uninterest I lashed out. I attempted to defend my heart and broke my own heart at the same time. Greg was a pawn in my game. I could have been set up too. There were many lessons in this situation and many to come.

Their stories continue and prequel. 

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